“Company Cleaning”

It’s hard for me to let the whole world know, but I’m probably one of the laziest people I know about housework- I hate washing dishes, and oh the laundry- it’s clean but piled everywhere and if one more person tells me to “just do one load every day,” I’m going to shoot them.  The point is I don’t want to do laundry every day- duh!  How would that help me?!  I do pretty much the bare minimum of everything- until someone’s coming over, then I throw the laundry in a closet & deep clean what shows with a toothbrush because God forbid they know how I actually live!  Company’s coming- let’s put a bow on this shit show.  What a phony I am!  I can be mostly ok with an imperfect house until my mom’s on her way or until I go to a play date at your house & instantly decide you’re never allowed to come see my mess.  My house isn’t dirty dirty- it’s clean enough not to alert the health department, but it’s definitely lived in.  I would honestly love to have a Martha Stewart home, to have it look like someone was coming over every day.  I just don’t like doing the work to get it there every day!

I have no problem putting my dishes in the dishwasher or my laundry in the washer/dryer, but most days it’s just too much for me to actually put all that clean shit away!  I’ve literally thrown away dishes & clothing rather than wash it again- I mean, we obviously didn’t need all that stuff anyway!  I almost never make my bed.  Look at my instagram and you’ll undoubtedly see a pile of laundry lurking in the background on any given day.  That’s just how I am and I’m not really committed to bettering myself today.

Laundry Couch



But every now and then, I get going.  We’ve got one room in the house I used to be able to leave messy- my craft/sewing/office/wrapping/catch all room.  I could go in there & play and just close the door when I was through.  It was like my hidden dungeon of crap.  But over the last few weeks, my room has been taken from me.  It will soon be our son’s room (he’s moving out of our bedroom at 16 months old) and I guess it just wouldn’t be right to have him living in that squalor.  So I’ve had to find places for all that crap to go.  And when I get organizing, watch me fuckin move- every once in a while when something like this spurs me, I get a hair up my ass and go Martha clean on everything- I mean, I’m throwing shit out, I’m consolidating, I’m cleaning closets, and junk drawers, I’m steam cleaning the carpets, I’m getting down & dirty with the floorboards & the doorknobs.  My husband stands back scared at what all I’m going to ask him to move or put away in the garage and my daughter starts hiding her favorite toys lest I put them in my donation pile.  I love those little fits- I figure it’s not gonna come often so I might as well tweak out on cleaning while I’ve got the burst of motivation.  I get a lot done, and our home looks so lovely for like 30 minutes.  That’s literally it- I’ll spend 2 or 3 days cleaning like a mofo & I get to enjoy it for half a friggin hour before it’s right back to our regular every day mess.  So fuck that- why would I want to do that every day?  No one in our house cares but me and no one’s coming over today.

And how much time must you other moms with tidy houses spend cleaning?  It can’t be worth it!  Or maybe you’re just cleaning for company, too.  If so, let’s give up this damn charade and let our dirty little secrets out.  Let’s let all that messy, ugly, unorganized crap show through.  Because I’m insecure enough to judge myself by how you look and who knows- maybe I’ve got you fooled into thinking I look pretty good too.  (if so, YES- major accomplishment for me!) So today, I’ll be lazy.  I’ll color with my kids and not pick up the crayons, I’ll cook & leave the dishes for tomorrow.  I’ll leave the laundry in the dryer and I’ll enjoy myself.

Just give me notice before you stop by and don’t dare open my closets!