My Baby is an Asshole

I’m evil, I really am.  I’m a terrible mother.  I’m the kind of mother that calls my baby an asshole, I often say,”fucking A” to my four year old.  Luckily I say these things in my head (or very, very quietly under my breath!), but still- who thinks these things?!  Being a mom is no joke and being a full time mom to two little kids is trying.  My mouth (or my mind) didn’t automatically clean up when I popped these babies out, nor did my sense of humor so when I recently joked with my daughter that if she didn’t stop her tantrum, I would sell her to a homeless person, I understandably got some looks.

So, what’s wrong with me? Should I not be allowed to have children around me?  Should someone put a muzzle on this woman?!  I’m sick and I know it, but the thing is, my family knows me too.  We’re a close family and we get each other.  We know there is love behind every blow up and that even when we get mad, we always come back together.  Our love never stops no matter what we say.  When I told her I was selling her to a homeless person, she slyly looked at me and said “you’re kidding me…”  By four years old, she knows me.  We are strong in our bond together and she knows that if I sold her, it would be for a lot of money- homeless people don’t have money!  I’m probably warping her, but who’s not warped?  My therapist recently recanted stories of her mom always yelling “I’m going to kill you!” but they knew she didn’t mean it and no one died.  In fact, they grew up to counsel other people!

We all make mistakes in motherhood- no one enters this role perfectly and I certainly have not entered it gracefully.  I lose my cool, I’m “on my last nerve” a lot, I’m not always the best example for my kids.  Hell, have temper tantrums sometimes!  I often say I may look like an adult, but I’m really an adolescent in a big body- adulting is not my thing!  But I do the best I can, I retain a sense of humor and I teach my children it’s ok to have faults, to learn from our mistakes. When I blow up, I talk to them- tell them that it’s ok to feel all our feelings but it’s not ok to lash out or be hurtful because of our emotions.  We talk about ways to do it better and we move on.  And then I go to my car, close the door and scream profanity where no one can hear me until my sick, black heart is content.


This is how special my girl feels despite her mother’s flaws!

I’m learning as I go and that’s the best I can do. And hey, I might be an asshole parent, but my kids are assholes too sometimes!    And my kids are happy- they are positively joyful.  They know I love them beyond words and they love themselves.  So fuck ya, we must be doing something right- a lot wrong for sure, but at least a little tiny bit right.  Happy Mother’s Day all you fucked up mothers- good job, I love all your imperfections!  Give yourself a break today and every day- your good will outweigh your bad, your kids will be fucked up, but who’s not!

For a good laugh, check out the Asshole Parents blog- Hilarious!